Today I had an awesome lunch complete with getting a ticket from one of the eastside’s finest. Please note my sarcasm.
You see, I was on a mission during lunch. My mission was to retreieve Ben’s super awesome 25th birthday gift and to look at a few condos. I could do everything in an hour, it was perfect. Then I got pulled over by a stupid Dodge Charger driven by a female cop. A Dodge Charger? Oh please, I thought it was insulting when I was pulled over by a unmarked lowered Ford Taurus in Thurston County with my mother in the car (this was years ago, its not like I make a habit out of being pulled over).
So I pulled over and promptly forgot where my emergency flashers button was located and I started to freak out. As it turns out, according to Cop Mc Not-Quite-Feminine I was going 53mph in a 35mph zone. My response? “What?! Are you kidding me?” Now I admit, I tend to push the limits, I like 70-75mph on the freeway. But 53mph in a 35mph? I’m not that bad. Its not like I’m I’m one of those people who does 50mph in a school zone aiming for small children or something.
So she stomps back to her car (almost like one of those Zombies in Michael Jackson’s Thriller) and I know I’m getting a ticket. She comes back to my car and makes me sign the ticket but can’t even answer my questions.
Me: So why did you chose to pull me over when the guy ahead of me was going faster (there was a Mazda 3 directly in front of me by about two car lengths, I remember this because I was irritated with him for being in my lane).
Cop: He was going 46mph.
Me: So the car two car lengths ahead of me was going nearly 10mph slower that what you say was my speed? That doesn’t any sense.
Cop: (silence. (Or perhaps brain death I’m not sure which) )
Me: Where did you clock me?
Cop: I don’t know (no really she said that)
Me: That’s great!
Cop: The court address is on the back
Me: F*ck you! (I didn’t say that)
And then I watched my new cop friend make an illegal u-turn across four lanes and double yellow stripes. I was still sitting on the shoulder.
So I told myself it wasn’t the end of the world, my luck had run out, I could deal with this right? Its just a ticket. Then I got to the place where I was picking up Ben’s gift. And while the door was open NO ONE WAS THERE. I waited, the rage grew, I waited some more, and when I decided that I was on the verge of setting fire to the place I decided to leave (because arson wouldn’t look very good on my record). Then I called my Dad. And because I’m not remotely sane when I have low blood sugar (its either rage or tears take your pick) I started crying. First words out of my Dad’s mouth besides “it doesn’t surprise me that you got a ticket” (My Dad is the king of 60mph cruise control and thinks my mom and I have lead feet) were “have you eaten?” and of course the answer was “NO I HAVE NOT EATEN ANYTHING I WAS TOO BUSY LEARNING ABOUT FEMALE COP STEROTYPES”
And of course the ticket isn’t like $25, its $173. $1-7-3. That’s like half the amount of the Tumi bag I want but won’t get because I’m c-h-e-a-p.
But my Dad had a good point. The officer admited to me that the person directly in front of me was going slower AND she couldn’t tell me where she had clocked me going the supposed 53mph. Hearing the words “I don’t know” from a cop who just handed me a ticket worth the GNP of a small third world country kind of rubs me the wrong way. If the car in front of me was really going 46mph and I was really going 53mph I would have hit them. I should also mention we were just coming off of a red light, so unless my car is fueled by magic automotive fairies I have a hard time believing I was at 53mph. So it may be worth it to protest this stupid ticket and hopefully at least get the fine lowered. Oh and by the way, the driver in front of me also pulled over because he thought he was the guilty party. Then he realized I was the sucker who got caught.
So mad. Maybe later I can go take $173 out of the bank and make a quiche out of it, which I will eat later tonight when I’m getting toasted off a bottle of $7 pinot noir. Later I will tell the courts that I felt that physically consuming the money for nutritional value was a better option than paying for some ticket of BULLSHIT that was given to me by some twit who has delusions of grandeur and a chip on her shoulder. So bitter.
Government – 1
Gifts Picked Up- 0
Jack n the Box- 1
Maybe I’ll make a PowerPoint presentation and some felt puppets for when I plead my case. My puppet will be takative and make sense while the officer puppet will throw tickets at me without logical explaination. Officer puppet will also smell of smoke and cheap gin (okay I made the gin part up, but she did smell like smoke.)